


I Am and You Are

by HiddenLacuna



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: First Person, First Time, M/M, Male Slash, Porn Without Plot, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-27
Updated: 2012-05-27
Packaged: 2017-11-06 03:06:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/414023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenLacuna/pseuds/HiddenLacuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A spring night at Baker Street. Boning ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am and You Are

**Author's Note:**

> Eternal thanks to ivyblossom and moonblossom for encouraging, educating, and enlightening me. You are rare, brilliant, and kind souls.

I am listening to Wagner’s Pilgrim’s Chorus inside my head and sitting slumped in my chair, sticking my feet all the way out so my body is unmissable in the room and pretending not to think about you. I am holding a book in my hands but I am not reading it. I am watching you in the reflection of the sliding glass doors. And you are typing, you are hunting and pecking across the keyboard with your index fingers, and you are glancing occasionally at me out of the corner of your eye. You are writing about me. I am aware of you, of the passage of time, that the temperature of the room is 15 degrees, of the ebb and flow of the Tideway, the traffic moving along Marylebone, the soft hum of the fridge, and you. It is 11:03 p.m.

You are shifting, pushing back from your laptop, taking a deep breath, swallowing. You are thinking about tea. I am watching you and you are standing up and pushing your hands into the middle of your back to crack your spine - not good for the ligaments, but it makes you feel better. I am fixated on your steady sure hands, with their curls of fine gold hair over the proximal phalanges and your tan line fading just above the wrist that has yet to disappear completely and the papercut you must have received from opening the post. You are walking past me to the kitchen to put the kettle on. I am watching your hands, I am not thinking, I am sitting up, reaching, stretching, grabbing your right wrist with my left hand. I am _touching you_. I am holding your wrist and you are stopping, you are looking at me with your dark blue eyes and a small half smile on your weathered kind face and I am not letting go and you are not pulling away. I am terrified, and you are simply standing looking back at me and I am sure that the next minute is the most important minute of my life. 

I am frightened I am terrified I am in love with you I am afraid of you I am afraid of loving you I am pulling you toward me and you are _coming_ , you are looking at me into me and you are smiling, you are still here and you are still you and I am still me and the world has not ended at my rash and desperate touch. I am still pulling on your wrist, and you are bending down and I am holding your wrist and my breath like I’m drowning. You are so close, _so close_ , you have been this close to me before but never like this, never with looking into my eyes and still smiling, and I am breathing in and the smell of you hits me, tea and sweat and wool and hair product, and I am searching your eyes mouth cheeks mouth face, reading every nuance I can and seeing no fear no revulsion no pity only you, always you.

I am dropping the sham book to the side of my chair and I am reaching out to touch your neck where it peeks out from your oatmeal jumper. I am placing my thumb into your suprasternal notch and sliding my fingers up across your external jugular to your jawline and your pulse is _racing_. I am watching the contrast of my fingers on your skin and I am looking into your storm sea eyes and you are seeing me, you are _seeing me and not turning looking running away_ and you are darting your tongue over your lips and you are putting your hand onto my knee to steady yourself because yes, this hunched over position can’t be comfortable for you, and oh god you are squeezing my knee you are tilting your head to the left and I am feeling your breath on my lips and I am _yes_ I am kissing you, my mouth is on your mouth, and oh I am kissing you and I realize I have forgotten to listen for anything outside this room in over a minute and I don’t care and I am kissing you.

I am kissing you and you are kissing me back and I can’t believe this is happening, I am in love with you and you are _still here_ and I am oh your lips your lips your tongue you are filling me you are pushing your other hand into my hair and I am biting your lip and I am grabbing a fistful of your jumper because oh the things you are doing with your mouth on mine, in mine, and I am learning kissing, learning you, and returning the favour. I am sucking on your clever tongue which is never sharp like mine and you are moaning and I am feeling my innards turn to smoke and I am the north magnet, you are the south magnet, and you are too far away from me and I am slithering out of my chair and pulling you to your knees and I am joining you and we are both here on our knees like we are worshipping each other and perhaps we are.

I feel your torso against me and already I am straining against my trousers and I am hurting to be free, closer to you, to have you touch me and you are reading my mind, you are using one quick sure steady hand to unbutton my shirt and I am pushing my hand under your jumper and shirt to the hot skin beneath and you are moaning into my mouth and I am singing into yours and I can feel the hot hard length of you against me and I am reaching to the small of your back and I am pulling you closer to me. I am closing my eyes because it is all so much, too much, and nowhere near enough. You are licking at my neck and I am trying to catch your earlobe with my teeth.

I am hearing, feeling my breath coming at 68 respirations per minute and I am counting yours at only 56 and I am planning to raise your average and I am moving my right hand down your chest across your firm stomach down to the bulge in your jeans and I am tracing your outline and then I am pressing my palm down into you and you are gasping and your breath rate has just jumped to 84 and I am smiling and kissing you and kneading you and needing you.

You are pinching my left nipple and I am crying out, I am pushing my hips against you and you and smiling that wide flat smile and I know that you see what I am doing and I am loving it and you. You are furrowing your brow and I am pulling your shirt and jumper off in one go and you are pushing my shirt off of me and you are so hot so smooth so solid against me. I am burying my face in your neck and running my hands over your back chest arse cock thighs I am wanting all of you at once like I am hoping you will take all of me. I am licking biting at the scar on your shoulder that brought the miracle of you to me and you are shouting in pleasure and pain and you are pushing both hands into my hair and tightening them into fists and pulling my head back and your mouth is on my neck like you are a vampire who hasn’t eaten in a century and my whole world is now you.

You are moving down my body to suck on my nipples and it is like white fire and you are unbuttoning my trousers and you are scratching your short sensible doctor’s fingernails up from my hipbones to my clavicles and my skin is thrumming with pleasure at your every touch. I am grabbing your skull and kissing you as though someone is going to take you away from me and oh god let that never happen because I cannot stand the thought of the world without you in it.

I am falling, falling backwards and you are pushing me and you are catching me and I am on my back on the floor underneath you and you are pushing my trousers off and I am jutting up between us like a maypole and I am embarrassed at my need want lust for you. And you are kissing my cheek my neck my sternum you are over my heart you _are_ my heart, and you look at me and there is no judgment in your eyes. My body is naked in front of you and I am here, I am home, I am all I’ll ever be and I see in your eyes that it is enough for you.

You are breathing my name as you look at me and your hand, your hand is on my cock and now your mouth is on me and I arch up from the floor into you and you are mine and I am yours and I never want anything else.

I am helplessly embarrassingly gloriously thrusting up to meet your mouth and your hands are roaming everywhere on my body and I force my eyes off the ceiling to look down at you and oh _hell_ you are _looking back at me_ and I grab your head and pull you up and I am going, I am going, I am coming, I am shouting but there aren’t words anymore, there is only the supernova blossoming in my head and your hand stroking me through my orgasm and the feeling of my semen hitting my stomach and chest like spring rain.

“Fuck,” you say, and I only realize my eyes are closed when they snap open to find your face, your blue eyes are almost black with desire for me, and you are still here and I want to cry but instead I kiss you again, so deeply that I would climb inside you if I could. You are holding me like you are drowning too. I can feel you shaking. You are still in your jeans, and I want them off you, I want to feel you, all of you, and I unsnap them and push them off you with my toes and your cock catches on your pants and springs free to audibly slap your stomach and you are hard, so hard and twitching for me and I run my fingers over your cock, delighting in the silk delicate hot smoothness of your skin. You are crying out into my mouth as I encircle you with my hand and squeeze and I swallow the noises of your pleasure and make them my own. I move my hand in counterpoint to your hips and you are thrusting and I know that you will like the blend of a little pain with your pleasure so I bite your shoulder again as my hand never stops moving on you. You are groaning deeply and trying to say my name between breaths and I feel like I am finally good.

“Stop,” you say, and my heart stops for a moment. Am I not good? Don’t send me away, I’ll try to be whoever you want me to be, just let me be near you. “Bed,” you say. I am sick with relief and I nod. I would follow you anywhere. I am lost without you.

And now you are leading me by the hand to your room on the second floor, I am walking naked through our flat, I am climbing the stairs and I am counting them nine ten eleven and so slowly and so quickly we’re inside your bedroom and you are passing me a handful of tissues and I am abashedly wiping myself off. You are putting one hand over mine and the other on the back of my neck and pulling my head down to your mouth and I can feel you smiling against my mouth as you take the tissues from my hand and bin them without looking. You are more practised at this than I am. You are pushing your hands up into my hair again and then caressing and tickling down over my ear jaw neck chest and you are, palm flat on my chest, pushing me gently but firmly backwards towards your bed and I am sitting and then lying back and you are crawling on top of me and you have not moved your hand from its place protecting my heart. I am hooking a leg over your leg and you are pressing against me and I can feel myself starting to get hard again and I lick your forehead taste your salt sweat taste the chemicals that have combined to make up you and tilt my hips up against yours. I am gripping your arse and pulling your hips into me and I am not certain how to be any clearer about what I want with you.

“Sure?” you ask, and before you can finish your syllable I am saying yes and I am pulling your face back to me because tonight I do not want mouths to be for talking. I am closing my eyes and I hear you rattling around in your table drawer and I hear the snap of a plastic lid and I am so ready terrified eager wanting waiting for what you will do next and then your fingers are slick and cold and pushing into me and there is pressure and I trust you but I am afraid and I am tight clenching impenetrable and you wait, you gently massage me and when I relax a little you press inward a little further. I am looking at your face watching mine and you stretch your fingers apart twisting them crooking them and I am finally seeing but not observing and the white noise of what you are doing is the first peace I’ve felt in years and years and years. I am crying out I am clutching the sheets the pillow my own hair looking for something to hold onto as I fall.

You are sliding your fingers out of me, and I am moaning whining sobbing relieved empty as I feel you leaving me. You are wiping your fingers on a tissue and I hear the crinkle of a condom packet and yes my breath catches in my throat because I have imagined this so many times before and I have a very good imagination but you are better. You are rolling the condom down over your hard and twitching cock and I am trying to help but you are batting my hand away with a half smile and you are back on top of me your kiss is at once hungry and quiet and I raise my sharp knees and you are slowly, slowly, gorgeously pushing into me. I breathe in as you breathe out.

We are finding our rhythm, rocking together in tandem and making tiny adjustments for our own and each other’s pleasure. Where is the beginning of me and the end of you, I don’t know any more. My lips are your lips and your hands are in my hands and my voice rumbles in your chest and my pale skin next to your golden skin are the most beautiful colours in the world, which right now is us and only us. Yes. Yours. Always. Mine. Hold me. I’ll never let you go. No. Yes.

Your pace is quickening and I know that you are close and I pull you closer but you push me back and your hand is on my cock again and I hadn’t even noticed how hard I was but you are moving stroking me in time with your thrusts and I am gasping and coming again, how are you doing this to me, and you are jackknifing against me and you are coming and shuddering against me and I am and you are and we are together in the whirlwind rushing through this quiet April night.

You are slumped on top of me and your breathing is becoming slower, steadier, more _you_ again and we are turning back into separate people and I can’t bring myself to be sad about it because I have never been so content. I am calculating wondering enjoying how long you will lie here and what we will do in ten minutes ten days ten years and thinking about what this means for us as friends colleagues flatmates lovers partners and you kiss me and say “shut up,” and I put my forehead against yours and tell you “Never.” I am smiling and you are smiling there are kisses deep and light and soon we will get up and go downstairs and you will finally get your tea and I might play something for you on my violin and we will check our phones emails websites and let the world back in, and we will go together into a world where nothing and everything has changed.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I Am And You Are podfic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/666121) by [OtterPods (LapOtter)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LapOtter/pseuds/OtterPods)




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